Martha Stewart can Suck My Hot Creamy Vinaigertte!

I know you all want the recipe for my famous peanut dressing but, trust me, your not ready yet. Instead I'm giving you 2 vinaigrettes to practice on. Once you have mastered them both we can talk about the peanut dressing.

Mad's Mad Lemon Vinaigrette:

• zest of 1 lemon
• Juice of 1 lemon
• 1 tbsp Dijon mustard
• 1 tbsp honey
• 1/2 tsp powdered ginger or 1 tbsp fresh grated
• 1/4 tsp fresh ground black pepper
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 1/3 cup extra virgin olive oil

Combine zest, lemon juice, mustard, honey, ginger, salt, and pepper in small mixing bowl and whisk together. Don't be a pussy about it, use a real whisk and put some f'ing effort into it!

Next slowly drizzle the olive oil into the bowl while continuing to whisk. Yes, this requires doing two things at once! Deal with it. If cooking were easy no one would need a C.I.A degree. We could all just put on a silly hat and run around the kitchen shouting things like "Virst vee Keeel de turrrrkee-lurrrkeee" and everything would come out fine.

If you are not totally incompetent the oil will come together with the other ingredients to form a creamy and delicious emulsion that you can use to dress your salad. We recommend that you throw some toasted pecans and sliced apples in with the salad, they pair well with the tartness of the lemon.

If you like a very tart dressing you can skip the honey.

Makes enough for 4 small salads.

If you're adventurous you can throw in a clove of garlic and/or substitute thyme, oregano, and basil for the ginger.

Mad's No Blood/No Foul Sherry vinaigrette:

• 2 tbsp Sherry wine vinegar (Buy the $10.00 bottle you cheap bastard - it's worth it.)
• 1 clove garlic, crushed and finely chopped.
• 1 tbsp Dijon mustard
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 1/4 tsp fresh ground black pepper
• 1/3 cup extra virgin olive oil

First of all: you can not cook with that broke ass, rusty, dull butchers knife you have had since collage. Throw it the fuck out and go buy a real knife. While your at it, buy that $10.00 bottle of sherry wine vinegar.

Crush garlic clove with side of your knife blade then chop it as finely as you can.

Whisk sherry, mustard, garlic, salt and pepper together.

Again, don't be a pussy. No whining about how you cut your poor little finger chopping the garlic or how your puny little arm hurts from whisking. Suck it up and try not to bleed in the dressing. Real cooks don't whine and they don't bleed in the food.

Now slowly drizzle in the olive oil as you continue to whisk. You should end up with a dark, tasty, emulation (unless your totally incompetent - in which case we can't help you, hope your saved the receipt for the knife).

Note to the new Internets 5-O : No girl-ass got kicked and no one got called a dick during the making of this post.