The Ultimate Fighter Bloging: Episode 1 - "Dana's Very Bad Day"
For those of you who may be living under a rock, the best show on television is The Ultimate Fighter (Spike TV, Monday nights after the fake wrestling show.)
Like other reality shows TUF has it's share of whiners, freaks, and drama queens. Unlike other reality shows, at the end of each episode of TUF, two of those whiners, freaks, and/or drama queens get into a cage (and yes, it is literally a cage) with nothing wearing nothing but a pair of 4 oz. fingerless MMA gloves, a groin protector, a mouth guard, and a pair of shorts and they go at it until time has run out, someone has tapped out, someone has blacked out, or someone has been knocked out.
When not beating the hell out of each other, the 18 contestants have to live together in the same house. There is nothing for them to do 24X7 but eat, sleep, train, and annoy fuck out of each other.
At stake is a three year UFC contract worth around $100k.
Episode one starts off introducing the fighters, the coaches, and The UFC Vice Principal Dana White.
We meet the 18 contestants as they are checking out the house they will live in and picking out bedrooms. One of the heavyweights sees that his welterweights roommate Luke has put his mattress on the floor.
"Dude." Says the heavyweight. "Do you always sleep on the floor?"
"No." Luke says, he doesn't sleep on the floor. Luke just likes to sleep with his head pointing north because he thinks it helps his chi.
Inside the heavyweights head the gears grind slowly until he realizes that he is stuck rooming with the "Weird Kid". Years of social conditioning take over and the heavyweight immediately starts trying to fuck with the "weird kid".
"Dude. How do you know that your beds really pointing north?" the heavyweight ask with a smirk.
"I brought a compass." Luke says calmly.
Score one for the "weird kid"...
Fans of season one will remember that the first show of the season features the very important "train until you puke" segment. This segment is important because it lets the coaches check the contestants' overall conditioning and "heart" and because it scores big with the all important demographic of "adults 18-49 who like to see people puke on TV".
Unfortunately things go south early in the "train till you puke" segment. The contestants are getting bruised and battered during the training and some of them have the gall to start complaining. The coaches are very disturbed by this and UFC Vice Principal Dana White is seriously worried that some of the contestants might actually be "pussies".
No sooner has Dana dropped the "P" bomb then the cameras find one of the heavyweights, Kerry, slumped in a corner.
"Oh oh. Oh my knee Oh Oh." Kerry whines.
Dana White is very worried that Kerry has stopped training to whine. Coach Hughes is disgusted that a fighter would stop training simply because he can't walk.
"Where did we find such fucking pussies?" Dana wails.
Coach Hughes consoles Dana and explaining the he has a special 12 step program to cure "pussieness". Steps one through 11 just happen to be "Train till you puke."
"Let me run him through the program Dana. I'll have him unpussiefied in no time!" coach Hughes promises. But cameras and meddlesome paramedics abound. Before coach Hughes can begin the depussiefication program Kerry is whisk away to the hospital where a bunch of pussy doctors fill his head with the crazy idea the he needs surgery.
Dana is not happy. Not has there been no puking during the puking segment, but now Dana's losing on of his contestants to a bad case of pussy-itis.
Things only get worse. Another heavyweight, Eli, jealous of all the attention Kerry is getting, heads into the Vice Principal's office and starts whining to an already furious Dana White about how the show is full of cameras and people who watch him all the time and he just can't take it and he's lost his special sippy-cup with the rainbows and unicorns on it and he really needs a hug...
"Eli, don't be a fucking pussy." Dana White says grinding his teeth but trying to sound supportive. "Your supposed to be a fighter. Just go back out there and train until you puke OK. You'll feel better I promise."
Eli sniffles and says he'll try. But clearly the Siren song of pussieness is strong and Eli seems helpless to resist the call. Instead of going back to training till he pukes, Eli goes off and whines to the other contestants.
The next morning Eli and Kerry both leave. In a touching scene Dana and coach Hughes throw empty beer bottles at the departing pussies. It was a very moving scene. Really.
So now we are halfway through the first show and there has been no puking! Worse, Dana has lost two fighters to pussieness. Determined to save the first show of the season from complete pussieness, Dana comes up with a plan. "Rich. Matt. Pick the biggest remaining pussy on the show and we'll have him fight for the right to not be a pussy any more." " Dana tells the two coaches.
Both coaches agree that welterweight Other Kerry is the biggest pussy still on the show.
"Other Kerry, you're a big pussy. Beat up a non-pussy for me and you can stay on my show." Dana tells Other Kerry.
Other Kerry chooses to fight Sam. Dana seems happy. His plan to save the episode from pussydome seems to be working.
But there's a problem. Other Kerry is walking around at 190 and welterweights fight at 170 so Other Kerry has 24 hours to cut 20 lbs. Unfortunately Other Kerry has never cut weight before and 20 lbs is a lot for a 190 pounder to drop.
Coach Franklin and mini-coach-Franklin (aka Jorge) set to work trying to wring 20 pounds of sweat out of Other Kerry. Unfortunately Other Kerry's rampant pussieness is making this difficult.
"Just stay in the sauna and sweat. You'll be fine." They tell him.
"Waaaaaa! It's hot. I'm thirsty. I want a drink of water! I feel woozy!" Other Kerry whines.
Coach Franklin tries to be supportive but Other Kerry's ever increasing levels of pussieness soon wears Franklin's good nature and patience to the bone.
While Other Kerry is slowly driving coach Franklin mad, we get to watch Dana White channel Bogart. Slumped in stool at an empty bar, Dana gulps gin and grumbles :
After 18 hours of nonstop whining and only 15 pounds of sweat, Other Kerry gives up.
"My eyes! Their all blurry and my tummy hurts!" he whines as coach Franklin make one last desperate attempt to haul hin back from the event horizen of pussieness.
In front all the contestants and coaches, Other Kerry gives a stirring speech about how he's proud of himself for getting this far and being such a winner and all. Halfway through his speech Dana's head explodes.
Once Other Kerry is gone Dana decides he must motivate his remaining contestants out of their pussieness.
"Kerry was a pussy! Eli was a pussy! Other Kerry was the biggest pussy ever! You guys have to suck it up and quit being such fucking pussies! Do you understand me? The Ultimate Fighter is about kicking ass and you can not kick ass if you are insist on being a big fat pussy! So stop being pussies right now goddamnit!" Dana shouts.
The contestants hang their heads in shame. Some tremble with fear but none of them wet themselves. Dana takes this as a good sign.
Now Dana need to finish his speech on a strong note so the contestants will know he's serious. As a vice principal, Dana knows there are only two ways to finish in a situation like this: he must either pick on the weird kid, Luke, or pick on the short kid, Joe.
But which of two should he choose ... Dana thinks for a minuet and then he remembers that when all the other fighters were bitching and moaning and falling over during the wall squats part of training, weird kid Luke was meditating. Quietly. The whole meditating thing is really weird as far as Dana's concerned, but Luke managed to keep his pie-hole shut and not bitch while holding a 5 minuet wall squat. That's better than anybody else did so today the weird kid gets a pass.
Dana goes for the short kid.
"And You!" Dana yells pointing at Joe. "You weigh 190 pounds and you're only 4 foot 9! You're a dwarf! You're a fat fucking dwarf and you need to start dropping weight now! Do you hear me you obese midget freak!"
"Oh shit! Vice Principal White is really bustin' that fat midgets balls!" all the other contestants think.
"Fuck! I better get my shit together! I don't want Mr. White thinkin' I'm some sort of fat midget freak too!" the contestants think as they nod their heads in agreement with Dana and the inch slowly away from a very confused Joe.
Both coaches nod their heads with approval and episode one comes to a close.
Like other reality shows TUF has it's share of whiners, freaks, and drama queens. Unlike other reality shows, at the end of each episode of TUF, two of those whiners, freaks, and/or drama queens get into a cage (and yes, it is literally a cage) with nothing wearing nothing but a pair of 4 oz. fingerless MMA gloves, a groin protector, a mouth guard, and a pair of shorts and they go at it until time has run out, someone has tapped out, someone has blacked out, or someone has been knocked out.
When not beating the hell out of each other, the 18 contestants have to live together in the same house. There is nothing for them to do 24X7 but eat, sleep, train, and annoy fuck out of each other.
At stake is a three year UFC contract worth around $100k.
Episode one starts off introducing the fighters, the coaches, and The UFC Vice Principal Dana White.
We meet the 18 contestants as they are checking out the house they will live in and picking out bedrooms. One of the heavyweights sees that his welterweights roommate Luke has put his mattress on the floor.
"Dude." Says the heavyweight. "Do you always sleep on the floor?"
"No." Luke says, he doesn't sleep on the floor. Luke just likes to sleep with his head pointing north because he thinks it helps his chi.
Inside the heavyweights head the gears grind slowly until he realizes that he is stuck rooming with the "Weird Kid". Years of social conditioning take over and the heavyweight immediately starts trying to fuck with the "weird kid".
"Dude. How do you know that your beds really pointing north?" the heavyweight ask with a smirk.
"I brought a compass." Luke says calmly.
Score one for the "weird kid"...
Fans of season one will remember that the first show of the season features the very important "train until you puke" segment. This segment is important because it lets the coaches check the contestants' overall conditioning and "heart" and because it scores big with the all important demographic of "adults 18-49 who like to see people puke on TV".
Unfortunately things go south early in the "train till you puke" segment. The contestants are getting bruised and battered during the training and some of them have the gall to start complaining. The coaches are very disturbed by this and UFC Vice Principal Dana White is seriously worried that some of the contestants might actually be "pussies".
No sooner has Dana dropped the "P" bomb then the cameras find one of the heavyweights, Kerry, slumped in a corner.
"Oh oh. Oh my knee Oh Oh." Kerry whines.
Dana White is very worried that Kerry has stopped training to whine. Coach Hughes is disgusted that a fighter would stop training simply because he can't walk.
"Where did we find such fucking pussies?" Dana wails.
Coach Hughes consoles Dana and explaining the he has a special 12 step program to cure "pussieness". Steps one through 11 just happen to be "Train till you puke."
"Let me run him through the program Dana. I'll have him unpussiefied in no time!" coach Hughes promises. But cameras and meddlesome paramedics abound. Before coach Hughes can begin the depussiefication program Kerry is whisk away to the hospital where a bunch of pussy doctors fill his head with the crazy idea the he needs surgery.
Dana is not happy. Not has there been no puking during the puking segment, but now Dana's losing on of his contestants to a bad case of pussy-itis.
Things only get worse. Another heavyweight, Eli, jealous of all the attention Kerry is getting, heads into the Vice Principal's office and starts whining to an already furious Dana White about how the show is full of cameras and people who watch him all the time and he just can't take it and he's lost his special sippy-cup with the rainbows and unicorns on it and he really needs a hug...
"Eli, don't be a fucking pussy." Dana White says grinding his teeth but trying to sound supportive. "Your supposed to be a fighter. Just go back out there and train until you puke OK. You'll feel better I promise."
Eli sniffles and says he'll try. But clearly the Siren song of pussieness is strong and Eli seems helpless to resist the call. Instead of going back to training till he pukes, Eli goes off and whines to the other contestants.
The next morning Eli and Kerry both leave. In a touching scene Dana and coach Hughes throw empty beer bottles at the departing pussies. It was a very moving scene. Really.
So now we are halfway through the first show and there has been no puking! Worse, Dana has lost two fighters to pussieness. Determined to save the first show of the season from complete pussieness, Dana comes up with a plan. "Rich. Matt. Pick the biggest remaining pussy on the show and we'll have him fight for the right to not be a pussy any more." " Dana tells the two coaches.
Both coaches agree that welterweight Other Kerry is the biggest pussy still on the show.
"Other Kerry, you're a big pussy. Beat up a non-pussy for me and you can stay on my show." Dana tells Other Kerry.
Other Kerry chooses to fight Sam. Dana seems happy. His plan to save the episode from pussydome seems to be working.
But there's a problem. Other Kerry is walking around at 190 and welterweights fight at 170 so Other Kerry has 24 hours to cut 20 lbs. Unfortunately Other Kerry has never cut weight before and 20 lbs is a lot for a 190 pounder to drop.
Coach Franklin and mini-coach-Franklin (aka Jorge) set to work trying to wring 20 pounds of sweat out of Other Kerry. Unfortunately Other Kerry's rampant pussieness is making this difficult.
"Just stay in the sauna and sweat. You'll be fine." They tell him.
"Waaaaaa! It's hot. I'm thirsty. I want a drink of water! I feel woozy!" Other Kerry whines.
Coach Franklin tries to be supportive but Other Kerry's ever increasing levels of pussieness soon wears Franklin's good nature and patience to the bone.
While Other Kerry is slowly driving coach Franklin mad, we get to watch Dana White channel Bogart. Slumped in stool at an empty bar, Dana gulps gin and grumbles :
"Of all the MMA joints in all the towns in all the world, these pussies had to walk into mine!"Dana even slaps his palm against his forehead just like Bogart did in Casablanca. It's great. You can really feel Dana's pain!
After 18 hours of nonstop whining and only 15 pounds of sweat, Other Kerry gives up.
"My eyes! Their all blurry and my tummy hurts!" he whines as coach Franklin make one last desperate attempt to haul hin back from the event horizen of pussieness.
In front all the contestants and coaches, Other Kerry gives a stirring speech about how he's proud of himself for getting this far and being such a winner and all. Halfway through his speech Dana's head explodes.
Once Other Kerry is gone Dana decides he must motivate his remaining contestants out of their pussieness.
"Kerry was a pussy! Eli was a pussy! Other Kerry was the biggest pussy ever! You guys have to suck it up and quit being such fucking pussies! Do you understand me? The Ultimate Fighter is about kicking ass and you can not kick ass if you are insist on being a big fat pussy! So stop being pussies right now goddamnit!" Dana shouts.
The contestants hang their heads in shame. Some tremble with fear but none of them wet themselves. Dana takes this as a good sign.
Now Dana need to finish his speech on a strong note so the contestants will know he's serious. As a vice principal, Dana knows there are only two ways to finish in a situation like this: he must either pick on the weird kid, Luke, or pick on the short kid, Joe.
But which of two should he choose ... Dana thinks for a minuet and then he remembers that when all the other fighters were bitching and moaning and falling over during the wall squats part of training, weird kid Luke was meditating. Quietly. The whole meditating thing is really weird as far as Dana's concerned, but Luke managed to keep his pie-hole shut and not bitch while holding a 5 minuet wall squat. That's better than anybody else did so today the weird kid gets a pass.
Dana goes for the short kid.
"And You!" Dana yells pointing at Joe. "You weigh 190 pounds and you're only 4 foot 9! You're a dwarf! You're a fat fucking dwarf and you need to start dropping weight now! Do you hear me you obese midget freak!"
"Oh shit! Vice Principal White is really bustin' that fat midgets balls!" all the other contestants think.
"Fuck! I better get my shit together! I don't want Mr. White thinkin' I'm some sort of fat midget freak too!" the contestants think as they nod their heads in agreement with Dana and the inch slowly away from a very confused Joe.
Both coaches nod their heads with approval and episode one comes to a close.
posted by mad science at 12:01 PM
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