DIY madness Part II: "A New Beginning."

Let me start by saying that ever since I started work on my irrigation system I have been haunted. Whenever I close my eyes I hear heavy breathing and someone whispering:

Mad ... I am your faaaaather...

The voice sounds like Bob Fucking Vila. It's creepy. All I can figure is that by committing to this particular home improvement project I somehow created a disturbance in the DIY Force and now Bob Vila, the Darth Vadar of home improvement, is trying to get me to join him on the dark side.

Like I said creepy.

Recapping from yesterday :

The irrigation controller valve manifold I made from f'ing scratch will not fit in the irrigation controller valve box I bought. Also, I can't take the valve box back and exchange it for a bigger one because I already cut a hole in it.

Another visit to HomeDepot was called for. This time armed with pen and graph paper.

After an hour in the Plumbing isle (only occasionally needing to chase off nosy HomeDepot employee with my essential HomeDepot shopping aid) I came to the following conclusions:

1. The current manifold has got to go. It will never fit inside the valve box.


2. Making things out of PVC is kind of fun. Some of that fun is probably due to the epoxy fumes you wind up breathing but, whatever; PVC is cheap and it's relatively easy to work with.


3. I need a new manifold plan and a parts list and everything will be fine.

So I turned on my IPod, found a comfy place on the floor of the plumbing isle and set to work with my pen and my graph paper. 15 minutes or so later I had a new plan. Behold the new and much improved irrigation control valve manifold plan:


From "Teh New Plan" I put together a parts list:

• (3) Ninety degree elbows (3/4" sched. 40 PVC)


• (1) Four way junction (3/4" sched. 40 PVC)


• (1) "T" junction (3/4" sched. 40 PVC)


• (3) 3/4" pipe to 3/4" mpt junction. Left these out of the diagram - oops! Use them to connect the manifold to the valve/filter assembly.


• (1) 3/4" pipe to 1" fpt junction (for drain plug)


• (1) 1 inch mpt drain plug


• (1) Five foot section of 3/4" sched. 40 pvc pipe.

I get out of HomeDepot only having to spend six bucks ... I almost feel guilty.

DIY madness Part I : I Fuck Up A Drip Irrigation Controller So You Don't Have To

Did you ever think to yourself :

"Self. I sure would like to go down to HomeDepot, buy a bunch of stuff and then come home and turn all that stuff into a really slick home improvement project."

Only to have your DIY dreams thwarted by your better judgment and or wife who pointed out that the combination of you, HomeDepot, and anything more complicated than a light bulb is a well document recipe for disaster?

Did this leave you wishing that :

"Some other fool would go to HomeDepot, buy a bunch of stuff to create a realy slick home improvment project, totaly fuck the whole thing up, but just keep on trying until he finaly got it right." ?

How cool would it be if that fool blogged about the whole sorted affair complete with parts lists and pictures?

That would be pretty damned cool. Right? Then you could tell your better judgment/wife that some fool with a blog layed all the do's and don't out for you, documented all the pitfalls, and posted detailed pictures and diagrams of the whole project.

Well it's time to head for HomeDepot faithfull readers, because today I am that fool!

We put in a lot of plants over the summer. Banana trees, palm trees, cacti, flowers, herbs... hell we even have a coconut tree. All of this stuff needs to be watered, but at different intervals and for different lengths of time. I decided a drip irrigation system was in order.

I went to HomeDepot.

HomeDepot did not disappoint. They had bins and bins and bins of drip irrigation goodies made by a company named Dig. All I had to do was rummage through the bins, find all the parts I needed, put them all together, and Presto! My watering problems were solved!

Except not so much really, because what is the point of an irrigation system if you have to remember to turn it on and off yourself?

Exactly "zero".

Back to HomeDepot.

I found what looked like the perfect solution. Orbit made a nifty little timer with multiple valves that you could attach directly to your backyard faucet. I bought the timer kit with 2 valves and a 4 way splitter for my faucet and then I had to buy a pack of two more valves because I needed three.

Since it didn't seem right to go the HomeDepot and only visit one isle, I went to the plumbing department and bought a T junction and a 3/4" mpt (that's Male Pipe Thread for all you HomeDepot n00b5) to 3/4" mht (Male Hose Thread you n00b!)converter and some Teflon tape for good measure.

I went home, turned off the water, took the old faucet off the side of the house, and attached the T junction to the water pipe. The I re-attached the faucet to the T junction and used the 3/4" mpt to mht converter to attach the 4 way splitter that came with my watering controller to the other outlet on the T junction. I hooked the controller valves up to the 4 way splitter, hooked my irrigation lines to the valves and plugged in the battery operated timer.

It was a thing of beauty:

or not, but since it was going to solve all my watering issues I was willing to let the aesthetics slide.

Next I sat down to read the programming instructions for my new irrigation control system. 15 minutes later I realize I am fucked. My perfect solution can only be programmed to water everything on the same day. I need to water my Banana trees every 3 days, my palms and cactii every 7 days and my herbs and flowers every other day. I need three programs, I have one. I am fucked. Fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked fucked.

In my defense, Orbit packages all their stuff in sealed, hard plastic packaging so that you can't read the instruction's before you buy. Because of this incidents, I never go to HomeDepot without one of these. It's great for opening overly packaged merchandise in the store so that you can read the instructions before you buy. Plus it also works well to keep the HomeDepot employees at bay when they complain about you cutting open their merchandise. You could also look stuff up online and read the directions there befor you buy. Personaly I don't do this because I enjoy threatening the HomeDepot employees with sharp pointy objects.

So its back to HomeDepot. This time with pen and paper. I spend 2 hours in the sprinkler system isle and come to the following conclusions:

1. I need a professional grade sprinkler controller that will support 3 stations (valves) and three programs. HomeDepot has one I like for $41.99


2. I will need to buy the controller valves separately. HomeDepot has some I like for $12.87 each.


3. I will need to make a controller manifold out of schedule 40 PVC pipe to connect my values to the water source (i.e. my back yard faucet).


4. All this stuff will need to be buried underground but in a way where I can still get to all the parts should I need to work on something.

I sit down in the sprinkler isle and I draw up a plan. Behold my mad planning sk11z!

I walk out of HomeDepot with:

• 3 RainBird 3/4" inline sprinkler controller valves


• 2 Five foot sections of 3/4" schedule 40 pvc pipe


• 1 manual cut off valve


• 1 Eight oz HandiPak of Purple Primer and Clear Pipe Epoxy


• 3 Dig drip irrigation filters


• 3 Three quarter inch mpt to 3/4" mht converters


• 1 Three quarter inch junction - basicaly a treaded joint to attach the manifold to the pipe running from the faucet so that don't have to glue the above ground and below ground stuff together.
  
• handfuls of 3/4" schedule 40 pvc pile tees, elbows, and mpt adapters


• 1 Three quarter inch end cap - to drain the system before a freeze.
  
• 1 12" X 17" underground valve box to put everything in.


• Sandpaper and Teflon pipe thread tape

Back home on the back porch I connect the controller valves to the filters with the 3/4" mpt to mht converters (be sure to use some Teflon tape here) and lay all the parts out so it looks just like the picture I drew earlier.

I measure and cut some pieces of pvc pipe to connect everything togather and then I am ready to start gluing.

First I read the instructions :

Sounds simple enough.

I open the Purple Primer and, being very careful not to drip any on my porch, immediately drip two drops of Purple Primer onto the porch.

Crap. It's purple and it stains!

I am such an idiot!

I go to the garage and get some cardboard to use as a work surface. Since I am being careful now I take the time to trace the outline of the control valve box I bought onto the piece of cardboard so that I can be sure everything is going to fit.

I glue everything together and it looks great!

I spend a few minutes floating in the euphoria of a job well done. When all the epoxy fumes I have inhaled wear off I try putting the controle valve box over the whole assembly.

Due to the great care I took in planning and assembling, everything just barely does not fit...

fuck.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!

Fuck.
Sigh.
I'll be at HomeDepot if anyone needs me.

Dear God WHY!?!

You know there is a lot of shit going wrong in our country right now :

• The whole "Just because the Khmer Rouge used it doesn't make it BAD" bill that was passed last week is, for lack of a better word, real real real real bad. Bad as in "Oh crap I have just shit myself and there's no toilet paper and, oh fuck, now there's someone at the door" bad!


• That a Republican Congressman who mostly writes legislation to protect kids from all the iPervs on the internets was also using the free congressional wi-fi connection to get some teenage chatroom boy love between votes is really bad. That said Republican Congressman got away with this for years is really-really bad. That the Republican Congressional leadership knew about Congressman's predilections for all those years is really-really-really-really bad. That nothing happened until one of the Congressman's "little friends" got fed up with the Congressman asking him about the size of his dick and emailed the story to a whole bunch of news organizations who then tried to ignore the whole thing for as long as possible is really really really really bad. That the FBI tried to ignore the whole thing: totally fucking-fucked-up bad.


• Iraq: really bad.


• Iran: really bad.


• We still let Hennry Kissinger talk: Seriously, how fucking dumb are we?

But seriously, why oh why does this album exist? Little children covering "Highway to Hell" and "Tainted Love" ... How does shit like that happen?