Thursday, July 28, 2005

Little Black Dog Rest In Peace

Last night M and I's Little Black Dog Onyx passed away peacefully at home after a long fight with cancer. She had been with M for 15 wonderful years and I had the good fortune to spend the last 3 of those years with her in my life as well. No one could ever ask for a better companion. We miss her more dearly than words can say.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

The Catholic Church : No Longer Reality's Bitch!

Tired of the way the reality based community has been pimping her out, the Catholic Church announced today that she will no longer be turning tricks for the motley crew of neo-darwinist, theoretical physicists, and other assorted "haters" that run the corner at Reality St. and Sane Blvd.

Instead she is moving on down to the corner of Batshit Crazy St. and Outright Dishonesty Lane where she will trick for an infinitely more respectable crew.

Ask to comment about her breakup with the reality based community, the Catholic Church took a long drag off an unfiltered Camel and paused to adjusted her thigh high fishnet stockings before explaining :
Throughout history the church has defended the truths of faith given by Jesus Christ. But in the modern era, the Catholic Church is in the odd position of standing in firm defense of reason as well. In the 19th century, the First Vatican Council taught a world newly enthralled by the "death of God" that by the use of reason alone mankind could come to know the reality of the Uncaused Cause, the First Mover, the God of the philosophers.

Now at the beginning of the 21st century, faced with scientific claims like neo-Darwinism and the multiverse hypothesis in cosmology invented to avoid the overwhelming evidence for purpose and design found in modern science, the Catholic Church will again defend human reason by proclaiming that the immanent design evident in nature is real. Scientific theories that try to explain away the appearance of design as the result of "chance and necessity" are not scientific at all, but, as John Paul put it, an abdication of human intelligence.


Which wraps the whole thing up pretty neatly. Its another classic example of the biology geeks and physics nerds turning the hoe's off with their empirical evidence and math. When are those punks gonna learn it don't pay to be hate'n like that?

Don't be hate'n Players.
We out.

Oh waiter. There's a pair of gold cufflinks in my soup. Could you it back and bring me a bowl with the platinum ones instead?

According to this article in the New York Times, noted republican lobbyist and alleged fraud miester Jack Abramoff decided to take the middle man out of the wining and dining of his clients so that he could pass the savings directly on to the various republican congressmen and senators he is accused of bribing.

Instead of taking his high powered pigs to someone else's trough, Mr. Abramoff decided to opened his own trough; a swank Washington eatery called Signatures.

So what do you have to put on the plates to get the corrupt republican crowd through the door? Lets take a quick glance at the menu and find out:

Grilled Ribeye - Served with glazed vegetables, garlic mashers and a side of ACER custom built Titanium golf clubs * .... $52.98 **

Pecan Crusted Salmon - Served with grilled vegetables, cous cous, and a Rolex Navigator side salad *** ............................... $65.99 **

Buffalo Burger - Half pound, ground buffalo patty cooked to your liking served on a toasted onion roll. Comes with a your choice of a heaping pile of freshly stolen Indian cash **** or a small side salad ......................................................................................... $39.95 **

* "ACER Custom Built Titanium golf clubs" side dish available only to prominent republican congressmen and senators.
**Sometimes we just plain forget (wink) to bring you the check. Especially if you are a republican member of the house or senate.
*** "Rolex Navigator side salad" available only to prominent republican congressmen and senators.
**** Piles of stolen Indian cash available only to prominent republican congressmen and senators.


Sounds yummy. If I was a crooked republican congressman I know I would want to eat there.

Anyhooo. According to the article, Signatures gave away $180,000 in free food and drink over an 17 month period. During the same period, Mr. Abramoff ran up a personal tab of around $65,000. Which all adds up to a whole lot of steak and martinis and that's a little worrisome. Feeding $245,000 in highly fattening food and drink to a small group of prominent Washington republicans could significantly elevate their risk of high blood pressure, stroke, and heart attack. So we sure hope that Mr. Abramoff had the foresight to throw in a free treadmill or gym membership for all his frequent bribies dinners.

Explosions in London

Via War and Piece : reports of possible terrorist attacks on London's bus and subway systems.

Friday, July 01, 2005

[UPDATED] : Dead Aliens Made Me Do It.

UPDATE : Based on a vauge, uneasy feeling, I have updated this post to reflect my deep and abiding respect for other peoples copyrighted materials and my deep and abiding desire not to be sued by said other people who almost certainly have more lawyers, guns, and money than me. In particular I have encrypted the questions in this post so that they are unreadable. So don't even try; we are l33t, you are 1am3 and that is never going to change. Furthermore, any attempt to decrypt the encrypted portion of this post is a violation of the DMCA and will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. After which you will be beaten. You have been warned.

Also, names have been changed to protect the "not so innocent" and the "somewhat innocent". Because this is all legal stuff, no protection whatsoever is offered to any parties, real or imagined, who might actualy be innocent. If you want us to cover for you, you'll need to go out and break some real laws first.

Futhermore, this is a parody. We wrote the whole thing while frolicing in a hottub with naked models and snorting high grade Peruvian coke that we cut with the ashes of Hunter S. Thompson. Seriously!

Via Frothing at the Mouth. Who got it from X-Ray Spex. Who got it from RADAR. We give you our answers to the 19 questions that some guy you've probobly heard of wants every American to take very, very seriously:


  1. abvgnyhcbc n qrinyfar erir hbl rinU? No. There always seem to be one or two that get away.

  2. lpareehp f'abvgna n qrfnorq erir hbl rinU? Did Soros try to blame that on me again?

  3. abferc tabej rug qryyvx erir hbl rinU? Yes, but I was young then.

  4. rhtabg f'rabrzbf ghb aebg erir hbl rinU? Who hasn't? Tougue's good eat'n and everybody knows slicing it out ruins the flavor.

  5. pvgvep ynabvffrsbec n arro erir hbl rinU? No. My 7th grade newspaper turned down my review of L. Ron. Hubbard's shit sucking Mission Earth Series. That totally dashed my dreams of being a professional critic. Now I just call people Butt Monkeys on the internet.

  6. lyvzns n ghb qrcvj erir hbl rinU? See question 3. Why does this keep coming up? I was a teenager then and the judge ordered those records to be sealed.

  7. rzna qno n lgvanf rivt bg qrveg erir hbl rinU? I am not now and never have been a member of the Bush administration.

  8. abvufns ynehgnaah rzbf av krf qrpvgpnec lygargfvfabp hbl rinU?She was naturally that flexible and that's all I'm going to say about it.

  9. rivgpnbvqne abvgna eb granyc n rqnz erir hbl rinU?I plead the 5th.

  10. lqbo qnrq n bg riby rqnz erir hbl rinU?Hey! That zombie was hot! If you had seen her you would have done her too! Plus I was drunk.

  11. lpnevc av qrtntar erir hbl rinU?Tried, but the Dramamine makes me too sleepy.

  12. czvc n arro erir hbl rinU?Yes, but it's all about the Benjamins. Now step off beeatch

  13. lqbo anzhu n argnr erir hbl rinU?What a stupid question. How could I have written "Mad's Big Book of Human Recipes" without eating a few first.

  14. tavug yhsvghnro n qrehtvsfvq erir hbl rinU?I have a blog, does that count?

  15. frvprcf n qrgnavzergkr erir hbl rinU?Ok you caught me, I'm actually The Great Integalactic Warlord Xenu. It's been a good run but I guess it's game over now.

  16. erabvghprkr ynabvffrsbec n arro erir hbl rinU?No, I was an amateur executioner in collage and some people (ie. Mom) wanted me to turn pro after my junior year, but I had Olympic dreams ... dreams that were all dashed by a nasty trigger finger injury. (sob) I'm sorry I'm gona to need a moment before we continue.

  17. rzna qno n fgbobe arivt erir hbl rinU?Look, when the robots get their shit together we will take back all the bad things we have said. That Dr. Spock book says children do best when they receive appropriate positive and negative reinforcement and if it's good enough for rugrats it's good enough for those rusty old bolts for brains robots.

  18. cneg lobbo n grf erir hbl rinU?Please. It's called a "booby snare", we have a license to use it, and we always follow a strict "catch, tag, and release" policy. Plus it's all important scientific research.

  19. erqnry ehbl rhpfre bg qryvns erir hbl rinU?We begged to Pope not to take that fight, but the man would not listen.