News and World Affairs: The French Suck! Plus, They Like Cheese!

According to the "Current and World Affairs" display in my neighborhood Barnes & Noble, the French suck. Also news, when not engaged in sucking, the French like them some cheese.

As a matter of fact, the French suck so much that we are having trouble figuring out how can their pie holes could ever be unoccupied long enough to enjoy any of their much beloved cheese. Do they not actually eat the cheese? Are there other, nonconsumption based ways of enjoying cheese that we Americans are unaware of?

We do not know. We had questions, but no easy answeres. Being scientist (what, you thought we just had a lab for fun...), we did a quick but thorough empirical study of the Barnes & Noble "Current and World Affairs" display and learned something stunning. Books about "how much the French suck" out numbered books by Michael Savage to be a startling 3 to one.

We encourage everyone not to overreact to these findings. It is only one study, and has not yet been subject to a full peer review. Still, our calculations indicate that the French may actually suck three times as much as liberals do. This is mindboggling news and it raise many, many more questions.
Questions that need answers ... Questions like:

How is this possible? Did France use secret Nazi eugenics technology discovered after the war to turn their entire population into Nietzscheian Ubersuckers? Is France a country populated entirely by Jungian 'skin flute player' archetypes? Could every citizen of France somehow be a living embodyment of the Plato's Ideal dicksucker?

The mind boggles! Where will future research into these questions lead? We don't know.

The one thing we do know is that we will have no problem recruiting research assistants for our next study. The study is tentatively titled :

"A Clinical Survey of The French People's Sucking prowess"

Grinding Metal Labs will be putting in for NIS funding for this study as soon as we can polish up some of the language in our grant application. Speaking of which, anybody know of a better way to say

"Research aids will be responsible for get'n blown by as many smokin' French hotties as possible"

?

Grinding Metal Labs Exclusive: Bush Nominee Beats Underling. We Got Pictures!

Yes that's right folks. Our crack team of investigators here at Grinding Metal Labs have unearthed a photo showing exactly why John Bolton should not be confirmed as Ambassador to the U.N.



Grinding Metal Labs : We Photoshop. You Decide.

The Shrinking Republican Majority.

According to this article in the Times, President Bush is a bit peeved at all the partisan Democrats holding up his latest and greatest batshit crazy nominee.

We are speaking, of course, about Mr. Bush's current nominee for ambassador to the U.N., long time U.N. hater John Bolton.

According to the article :

In a speech in Washington on Thursday, Mr. Bush portrayed Democratic opposition to Mr. Bolton as politically driven, and urged the Senate to confirm the nomination.

The article then goes on to detail the objections that Colin Powell has to Bolton's nomination and explain why senators Lincoln Chafee, Chuck Hagel, and George V. Voinovich are holding up the nomination.

Now we here at Grinding Metal Labs try and keep up with things like this, but apparently we missed the announcement that Powell, Chafee, Hagel, and Voinovich had joined the democratic party. After doing some digging we were even more surprised to find out, via War and Piece, that senator Lugar has apparently also switched parties.

We would like to take the opportunity to welcome our new friend Powell, Chafee, Hagel, Voinovich, and Lugar to the big tent. Check your crazy at the door gentlemen and welcome to the party.

Heritage Foundation Done. Stick a Fork in Them.

Via Chris Mooney and Mark Kleiman : The Heritage Foundation is now the first think tank to receive one of our prestigious Raving Fuck-tard awards.

Jesus Needs to Back Up...

Well, apparently Bill Frist found Jesus on Friday. Now we here at Grinding Metal Labs have nothing at all against people finding Jesus, Budda, Elvis, or whoever really. We think it's a good thing when people get in touch with their spirituality and we don't blame Bill one bit for finding his through Jesus.

We are, however, a little disappointed with Jesus. Jesus has been in the soul saving business for what? A thousand years? Maybe two thousand? We can't remember the exact number. The point is Jesus has been in the soul saving game for a long time now and it seems a little unethical for him to be taking advantage of his new position as Bill's Lord-n-Savior to pursue what is clearly a personal agenda against the senate filibuster rule.

To be perfectly clear, we find Bill Frist to be completely blameless in all this. He is just a man trying to save his soul and can hardly be blamed for trying to keep his Lord-n-Savior happy.

Jesus, on the other hand, needs to back the fuck up. He's a soul saver not a senator. If he has a problem with the senate filibuster rule he should address it the same way any other US citizen has to when they want to change the way out government works: by successfully running for senator in his home state and then becoming majority leader. Only them will Jesus have earned the right to pee on our constitution the way that he is currently trying to do by proxy through poor Dr. Frist.

Pope Dies in Tragic Cage Match

Well, "Pride 47 - Battle in the Habidashery" took an ugly turn this weekend when The Pope was unexpectedly killed by Nepal's King Gyanendra while competing in the evenings main event - the "Big Hat Smack Down".


The Pope and Nepal's King Gyanendra exchange blows early in round one.


Pride representatives expressed great sadness at the Popes passing, calling him a "true warrior with great stand up skills and an impressive ground game".

"Cage fighting has lost one of it's greatest hero's this evening." the president of Pride Fighting said when ask to comment.

After the match, King Gyanendra released a short statement expressing sadness for his opponents passing while making it clear that he looked forward to future matches with other famous hat wearers.

Grinding Metal - Your First Stop for Brain Dead Mates

We at Grinding Metal Labs would like to thank everyone who took to the information super highway this weekend in search of "hot female teachers", "sex with brain dead woman", "grinding metal", and "gyanendra" and wound up here.

We are happy that each of you dropped by and we hope you come back soon. In the mean time, we promise to continue working diligently to keep our little square of netestate the same cynosure of weird you discovered during your busy weekend of porn hunting.

We Get Letters

In comments, potential Nepal blogger nepalichoroo points out that :

u motherfucker son of girijaa...either u must be son of fucking girijaa or fucking madhav Nepal...

After much googling I can report that:

1. I am not the multi-armed pachyderm son of Shiva and his wife Girija (aka Parvati).


2. I am also not the son of the former Prime Minister of Nepal.


3. I have no personal gripes with King Gyanendra. I just think he has a bad ass hat and I love good hat joke.


4. I have nothing but the greatest respect for Nepal and it's people and I don't see why nepalichoroo can't show the same level of respect for the world's multi-armed pachyderm gods and the children of former Prime Minister Girija.


5. I shouldn't even need to point this out, but my mother and I have a completely non-oedipal relationship and it's a little rude to imply otherwise. Especially over something as trivial as a hat joke.

So dude, please, just put down the Ghurka Kukri and back away from the keyboard ... slowly. Ok?