Bring Me The Head of Karl Rove

Go and sign it!

Mars Bitches!

We are so fucked

Somewhere, swirling about in the widening gyre of our political madness, between the furious debate about whether or not we can continue to proudly proclaim ourselves the good guys while engaging in the kind of behavior that is usually considered bad guy shtick and the typhoon of questions about whether upity liberals who shoot their mouths off are traitors or just pussies; we found this article.

While the rest of us are caught up trying to decide if Guantánamo is a gulage in the sun or a four star Hilton who's guest are treated round the clock with the finest in spa quality "stress position" therapy and frequent bare knuckle deep-tissue massage; the Times decided to muddy the water a bit by pointing out that Military doctors at Guantánamo have

...aided interrogators in conducting and refining coercive interrogations of detainees, including providing advice on how to increase stress levels and exploit fears, according to new, detailed accounts given by former interrogators.

No one seems to know for certain but, according to the article at least, some people are a little worried that having military doctors, psychiatrists, and psychologists advise on the best way to "increase stress levels and exploit fears" in detainees might just violate some professional ethics codes.

Wow! Possible professional ethics code violations. That serious folks! Somebody might get fined!

What a shame it would be if some poor military doctor go in trouble with the medical ethics board just because was trying to help out and said something like :

"Corporal, you could probably create more stress if you attached the red wire directly to our guests testicles."

Military doctors don't get paid that much so having to take it right in the pocket book just because you violated something as quaint as the Hippocratic oath when all you were doing was following orders would kinda suck....

Honestly! We can only maintain this shield of sardonic disdain for so long before it buckles and we have to start drinking heavily. Unfortunately we didn't top off the flask before we left the house this morning. So we were tempted to just quote ominously from Yeats and be done with this post. But after a closer reading of "The Second Coming" a disturbing possibility occurred to us: What if there is no rough beast slouching our way? What if he slipped into town some time ago and cable news just didn't cover it? What if all our innocents were whisk away quietly in the night and we are, right now, hip deep in the end of days.

There is a real possibility that we are trapped, unknowing, in a stupid Sartre play where hell is arguing endlessly about the difference between a stress position and torture while a hooded, naked man lays bound and sobbing in the corner.

What the fuck has happened to my country?

It's Not the Cagefighters. It's the Fans

Humid Cedar's lovely and talented wife , who is a huge fan of Cagefighting, sent us this article a couple of weeks ago. Needless to say she was outraged. We were too until we read this:

City officials have pulled the plug on an "ultimate fighting" event and are threatening to ban the kicking and punching bouts altogether, saying they incite crowds and threaten public safety.

At which point we understood. You see there are two types of cagefighting fans; those who are in the MMA game and those who aren't.

Fans who actually practice some form of MMA understand the sport. They practice wrestling, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, boxing, and Mauy Thai. They know how hard the game actually is because they play it. They respect the fighers, they know the techniques, and they want nothing more than to see the top athletes in their sport put on a great show.

The fans who aren't in the MMA game are a totally different story. They are there for the blood!

Take Mrs HumidCedar for example. She seems so sweat and most of the time, but when Mrs. Ramireze-Science and I invited the HumidCedars over to our place to watched a recent Ultimate Fighting Championship things got totally out of hand!

As soon as the fights started Mrs. HumidCedar was jumping up and down on my couch, spilling 2003 Australian Sheraz everywhere, and screaming things like:

Whoooooo! Lets see some Blooooood! Whooooo!

Honestly, it was frightening.

When I said I hoped Randy Couture won his fight against Chuck Lidel, she pored an entire glass of red zinfandel over my head and shouted :

"Randy Couture is a punk ass chump!"

Then challenged me to a fight.

Now in any normal situation I would own Mrs. HumidCedar in a fight. I've got at least a 70 lbs weight advantage, a tight ground game, decent standup, and my takedowns are prety sharp. Mrs HumidCedar, on the other hand, doesn't train at all. Under normal circumstances it would be no contest, but you people didn't see the look in her eyes. The woman was crazed I tell you! Crazed! I feared for my life.

fortunately Chuck Lidel knocked Randy Couture out about two seconds after Mrs. HumidCedar issued her challenge. The excitement made her forget about me entirely. HumidCedar got her a nice glass of Merlot and she went back to jumping up and down on my couch screaming

"Whooooooooo! Chuck Rules! Chuuuuuuuuuuuuck Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuules!

So I know exactly how Boston feels and I don't blame them one bit. I still haven't gotten all the wine stains out of the carpet.

Fortunately we are all still friends.

I just wish I could stop flinching whenever Mrs HumidCedar gets anywhere near me with a glass of wine.

Janice Rogers Brown - From Poverty to Batshit Crazy : One Judges Inspiring journey.

On 09 June 2005, as thunder - well... er... thundered ( writing's hard! ), madmen laughed, and lightning cracked across the senate chamber floor, the Batshit crazies brought their latest horror to life.

Behold the pure, unblemished batshit craziness that is "Judge Janice Rogers Brown".

Now go hide your children.

Prior to this, the Bat crazies greatest accomplishment was bringing a couple of articles from the Onion to life. That feat pales in comparison to getting the New York Times to publish an article titled :

New Judge Sees Slavery in Liberalism

But Judge Janice Rogers Brown is more than just a stupid headline. She walks, she talks, she swings a gavel, and she says things, batshit crazy things like:

"In the heyday of liberal democracy, all roads lead to slavery," she has warned in speeches. Society and the courts have turned away from the founders' emphasis on personal responsibility, she has argued, toward a culture of government regulation and dependency that threatens fundamental freedoms.

Right, because our founding fathers expected things like Love Canal and Monsanto's rape of Anniston to happen. Hell every one knows that article 30027 of Federalist Papers specifically says :

"When the powerful fuck entire communities in the pursuit of profit, citizens should exercise their fundamental freedom to 'shutting the fuck up and take it like the little bitches that they are'. Anything less is a gross abdication of personal responsibility."

Or at least that's what the federalist Papers seem to say in Judge Janice Rogers Brown world.

We should point out that the batshit crazy train just picks up speed from here. Since prolonged exposure to batshit crazy this pure can do long term psychological damage, we suggest you protect yourself by chanting the ancient mantra that Buddhist monks use to ward off madness. We'll practice once just to make sure everyone knows the words:

iee iee iee iee
Mental wounds still screaming
Driving me insane
I'm going off the rails on a crazy train

Yes, we know. Our mantra sounds exactly like the chorus of "Crazy Train". What of it? If you think you can find a better Bodisapha than Ozzie in a time like this you're welcome to try, but we don't advise it.

Now if, at any time, Judge Brown's statements start to make sense please stop reading and bust out with the mantra a few times. Try to sound like as much like Ozzie as you can, that will help.

Now back to the batshit crazy:

"We no longer find slavery abhorrent," she told the conservative Federalist Society a few years ago. "We embrace it." She explained in another speech, "If we can invoke no ultimate limits on the power of government, a democracy is inevitably transformed into a kleptocracy - a license to steal, a warrant for oppression."

"And that's why I oppose the Bush administration, the republican controlled congress, and the republican controlled senate and will use all my authority as a newly appointed federal judge to fight them at every turn!" she went on to say. Oh... wait ... our bad, that's what any sane person would have said. Judge brown is the polar opposite of sane; she is seriously, fucking whacked.

Please join me now in another round of our mantra.

iee iee iee iee
Mental wounds still screaming
Driving me insane
I'm going off the rails on a crazy train ...

Her friends and supporters say her views of slavery underpin her judicial philosophy. It was her study of that history, they say, combined with her evangelical Christian faith and her self-propelled rise from poverty that led her to abandon the liberal views she learned from her family.

You see, according to the article Judge Brown was seduced into a liberal way of thinking back when she was young and :

"Her family was involved in the voting rights movement in Alabama..."

. Those damned, dirty liberals! Always seducing all the innocent, impressionable, young black women with their hot, throbbing voting rights and their turgid, thrusting plans to end segregation. What's a girl to do?

The article makes it clear that future batshit crazies should view Judge Brown's early years as a cautionary tale:

She was inspired to become a lawyer by the career of Fred D. Gray, an Alabama civil rights lawyer who represented Rosa Parks and Martin Luther King Jr.

Think about how you would feel if a dirty old liberal like Fred D. Gray invited you out for dinner one night after a long day of fighting social injustice only instead of taking you to dinner he got you drunk and made you go to law school. When you finally wake up three years later feeling dirty and used, you have a splitting headache and a bunch of suspicious stains on your blouse. You've clearly been taken advantage of and all you have to show for it is a stupid law degree and some groddy liberal jizz on your chin. What would you do? You would reach for a towel! That's what you would do! And if there wasn't a towel around you would reach for the Federalist Society!

Right? Whatever! Time for another shot of Crazy Train:

iee iee iee iee
Mental wounds not healing
Driving me insane
I'm going off the rails on a crazy train

Now back to mainlining the crazy:

"We discuss things like, 'How did slavery happen?' " said her friend and mentor Steve Merksamer, a lawyer in Sacramento, Calif. "It comes down to the fact that she believes, as I do, that some things are, in fact, right and some things are, in fact, wrong. Segregation - even though the courts had sustained it for a hundred years - was morally indefensible and legally indefensible and yet it was the law of the land," he said. "She brings that philosophy to her legal work."

Wooo Hooo! Segregation was wrong! That's fucking cutting edge legal reasoning if I ever heard it. Right up there with "rain is wet" and "shit stinks".

In regards to segregation and Judge Browns deeply held evangelical Christian faith; can I just point out that, by and large, black southern Baptist were the only evangelicals who had the dream? Can I point out that evangelical Christians in this country do not general have a good track record when it comes to listening to their better angels?

I would go on, but right now I need some gin and I need Sam to "play it":
iee iee iee iee
Mental wounds still screaming
Driving me insane
I'm going off the rails on a crazy train

Ok. Now here's the kicker. According to the article, Judge Brown is :

...often cited as a potential candidate for the Supreme Court, in part because of her politically appealing life story.

I'll admit, Judge Brown started with very little and rose through hard work and determination to the pinnacle of batshit crazyness and that's something. I guess you can find some people who call that appealing. I just call it crazy ... batshit fucking crazy. But that's the world we live in, so let's hit out mantra one more time:

iee iee iee iee
Mental wounds still screaming
Driving me insane
I'm going off the rails on a crazy train

New Link

Like our good friend Humid Cedar, we like our brains.

Actually we really like our brains a lot and, since we can't remember where we put our special zombie killing cricket bat, we are taking advantage of Hungry Zombie's generous brain amnesty offer and adding Zombie Eat Brains to our blogroll.

In the future any readers who still don't 'get it' after we get done esplaining it to them will be turned over to our new brain eating friend ally blogroll member.

Beatings Will Continue Until Everyone "Gets It".

Recently some people have been complaining that they don't 'get it'.

This really hurts our feelings.

We take some solace from the fact that our journalistic hero, the great Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, had to deal with his own fair share of folks not 'getting it', but we are also painfully aware of the fact that Dr. Thompson eventually had to blow his own brains out. While we can't lay all the blame for our hero's sad fate at the feet of those people who failed to understand his genius, we've done some calculations and are perfectly comfortable declaring those people 65.72% responsible for our hero's untimely death.

The odds are our hero would still be alive today if a few of those literary ingrates had bothered to dig just a little deeper into his writing before giving up and dropping all those careless, coldhearted 'I don't get it' bombs.

There is a lesson there and the lesson is :

"Don't fucking take that shit!"

So we are declaring a zero tolerance policy on folks not 'getting it'. We have a wife, dogs, and probably the only kitten in the world who is still an internet virgin. In short, we have responsibilities and we're not willing to risk the devastating long term effects that having our work misunderstood may have on our psychological well being.

Everyone has a week to start 'getting it'. After that we will come looking for you. When we find you, you will be forced at gunpoint to mow Humid Cedar's lawn* in your underwear while we sit on the porch drinking our favorite tequila and slowly explain our work to you with the aid of a bullhorn and a whip!

You've been warned.


* We would make you mow our lawn, but the lab is surrounded by land mines. We figure Humid Cedar won't mind us using his lawn because we know how much he has to shells out to each week to get it mowed.