Fox News: Now With Pin-Ups

So I'm sitting on an exercises bike in the gym where I work and Fox News is doing a segment on this story.

Mr. Perfect-Hair news guy is interviewing the prosecutor of a 32 year old married female teacher who was caught having sex in her car with a 16 year old male student. It's all very serious and somber as the prosecutor explains that :

Yes, Mr. Perfect-Hair, A hot female teacher having sex with a male minor really is illegal even thought Van-Halen wrote a totally bitchen song about banging your English teacher.

The whole segment is very somber and then Fox News decided to suddenly put up a graphic of a ... wait for it ... a hot blond in a bikini straddling a motorcycle.

Mr Perfect Hair News guy and the prosecutor just keep right on talking about the case as I sit there wondering :

"Why I am listing to a story about statutory rape while staring at a hot blond in a bikini. Is this a picture of the alleged statutory rapist? Is it the only picture of the alleged statutory rapist that Fox News could find? Did the alleged statutory rapist have a part time job as an bikini model?"

A few seconds latter the hot blond in the bikini is replaced by the pockmarked and hairy face of the prosecutor. The switch is so jarring that I cry out in shock and fall off the exercise bike clutching my at eyes. When I pick myself up, Mr. Perfect-Hair news guy and the Prosecutor are still droning on about the hidden evils of "Hot For Teacher" and acting like the whole 'hot blond in bikini straddling motorcycle' thing never happened.

At no point is the hot blond straddling a motorcycle image ever explained.

It's what the lawyers don't tell you that's important.

In the comments, HumidCedar swears he never encouraged anyone to take any pills.

From my own personal experience I can tell you this is true. HumidCedar never told me to take any pills, however I distinctly remember him telling me:

"As you attorney, I advise you to drive as fast as possible".

It all went down hill from there and when things turned brutaly ugly; HumidCedar disappeared. Leaving me holding the bag. Nothing to show for it but a trunk full of grapefruit, a huge pile of soap, a semi-conscience hotel maid, a bag full of hunting knives, a room service bill I couldn't pay, and a lingering fear that I was witnessing the death of the American dream ...

I barely made it out alive.

Our Hero is Dead

I am saddened to report that this blog's "greatest living influence" has gone and blown his brains out and now must be reclassified as this blog's "greatest dead influence".

It's times like these, when our heroes stumble and shoot themselves in the head, that remind us why we must keep the faith. That show us in no uncertain terms why we must continue to pour gasoline on every fire we can find, why we must spike the koolaid with high power blotter acid at every AEI event we can possible sneak into, and why we all desperately need a Vincent Black Shadow.

Out of reverence for my fallen hero let me point out that:

Micheal Behe is an lying pig fucker who hates your children and wants to see them kept ignorant and poor.

John Negroponte is a giant, soulless, nun eating lizard with cold black eyes, claws that drip a vile green caustic poison, and a forked tongue. Befor any more innocent nuns have to die, we as a nation should put him in a cage and let all the catholics poke at him with sharp sticks for fun.

Now someone fetch me a bottle of tequila and a gun. I'm gonna go find Brit Hume and force him to mow my lawn.

Stop me if you've heard this one before ...

Question: How deep do you have to dig to find a prominent democrat that supports the Presidents Social Security privatization private accounts personal accounts plan?

Answer: About six feet strait down. But ever then you have some problems: like the fact that the dude is dead. Finite. Taking the big dirt nap. Kicked the bucket. Kaput. Done.

Then of course there is the family of the dear departed Senator Moynihan who don't seem to be to happy about the the way the Bush administration is parading their dear old dead dad around :

"It's confusing to me and my mom why they are constantly invoking him without presenting his position on Social Security," said Maura Moynihan, the senator's daughter, referring as well to his widow, Elizabeth.

Reached for further comment, Maura added:

"Honestly, how would you feel if someone dug up your dead father, stuck a stick up his ass and started wheeling him into press conferences like some sick ventriloquist's dummy?

The President is a really crappy ventriloquist Too! He make dad sound all wimpy and gay, and you can totally see his lips move whenever he makes it look like dad is talking! The whole thing is insulting!

King Gyanendra to Pope: "Fuck you and your stupid hat!"

In a premptive strike against his arch-hat-wearing-enemy the pope, King Gyanendra dissmissed the goverment of Nepal and declared a state of "Uber-Hat -Readyness".

Reached for comment the pope said :

"You and your girly-man hat are going down Gyanendra! This time I'm sending you back to the haberdashery for good Beatch!

Willian Safire: Broken Hearted Clocker

I think I know why Safire is retiring : He's got a broken heart.

Think about it. Week after week there's Safire thanklessly slingin' neocon crack rock from that cold and lonely desk at the New York Times. No one but Pretty Boy Brooks to back him up should Bruiser Krugman and Lil' Maureen Dowd ever decide to roll by and bust-a-cap. Nothing but a lowly clocker hustling in the cold 24x7.

Then he finds out that the administration has been paying commentators to move oozies out of their cush media gigs while he's been slingin' rock for free! What's a lowly clocker to do like Safire to do. Years of hustling for free while those other bums were getting paid. That's the kind of cold slap in the face that will break a clockers heart.

Poor Safire, you'll be missed. No one ever slung that neocon crack rock like you did.

Tanned, Rested, and Almost Married...

People listen. News of my abduction by aliens has been greatly exaggerated.

M. and I's impending wedding is now fully planned and financed. I would like to
take this opportunity to personally thank each and every one of you who responded to my 'HEALP I AM A NIGERIA FINANCE MINISTER TRAPPED IN THIS EMAIL PLEASE SEND YOUR BANKING INFO TO RECIEVE MANY MANY MILLIONS!!!" email; thanks to your genrourous lack of net savvy ours will be a beautiful wedding indeed.

In other news: We've decided to hyphenate. In 2 weeks I will need you all to start referring to me as Mad Ramirez-Science.

Now its back to that special sound of metal grinding against metal that is such an anodyne to all of you.